On that depressing day, I remember myself pushing it all away and convincing myself it will be fine. The brainwashed worked and I seemed okay, but little did I realise I wasn’t. What I did was simply covering my holed heart with a cloth and telling myself, “Look, I’m fine, right?” The hole really remained, for that very cloth that I sought to protect myself, denied any fixing or healing, but now I realised I was wrong. And well, one can’t exactly fix a broken heart, when it itself denies it is broken. For 6 bloody months, it has been so. I never thought I was my own weakness, but now I’m clear. I tell myself I am fine when I’m not deep down. Control something so much, it becomes fake, even if it belongs to you. I am broken.
I look back at the lowest point in my life, where I became so confused that I couldn’t even tell whats real and whats not, where everything seemed like a lie and only I was being real. I could blame you for part of all that has happened but it kind of cancels out with the things I have learned from it so I’m pretty okay with that. I believe its just me being too cautious, giving in too much thought, when it comes to that cursed topic. How do I go back, to be my true self again, I wonder. How do I fix it now I know the hole is still there? Like a body left lying on the sea bed, I look up at the surface and wonder, when will I soar and be free again.
Sháko Veragi 