You really only live once (for those my age)

Imagine, one day life hits you when you realize that you are already 20 goddamn years old and that you’re still doing things that you don’t want to do and you already spent a quarter of your lifetime. Did that hit you hard? In a few years, you be getting a job and maybe even get a girl/boyfriend. Then your adult age kicks in and you gotta be responsible for so many things like jobs, apartment, cars, maybe even getting married. One day, all the things you dreamt of doing now, will be all taken away.

So start now, don’t waste your life away. If you aren’t truly happy, then find it, search your true happiness. Do what you want with your life, because time ain’t gonna wait. No one’s there to tell you when everything is gonna be over, and when it arrives, be proud of the life you lived, so proud that you can brag about it nonstop to the next generation and the generation after that. Live your life to the fullest. Stay happy.

It wasn’t fixed.

On that depressing day, I remember myself pushing it all away and convincing myself it will be fine. The brainwashed worked and I seemed okay, but little did I realise I wasn’t. What I did was simply covering my holed heart with a cloth and telling myself, “Look, I’m fine, right?” The hole really remained, for that very cloth that I sought to protect myself, denied any fixing or healing, but now I realised I was wrong. And well, one can’t exactly fix a broken heart, when it itself denies it is broken. For 6 bloody months, it has been so. I never thought I was my own weakness, but now I’m clear. I tell myself I am fine when I’m not deep down. Control something so much, it becomes fake, even if it belongs to you. I am broken.

I look back at the lowest point in my life, where I became so confused that I couldn’t even tell whats real and whats not, where everything seemed like a lie and only I was being real. I could blame you for part of all that has happened but it kind of cancels out with the things I have learned from it so I’m pretty okay with that. I believe its just me being too cautious, giving in too much thought, when it comes to that cursed topic. How do I go back, to be my true self again, I wonder. How do I fix it now I know the hole is still there? Like a body left lying on the sea bed, I look up at the surface and wonder, when will I soar and be free again.

Crazy Thoughts

Overthinking. One of things I hate the most about myself. Everywhere I am, everything I do, I tend to think too much sub-consciously. I try to find meaning in everything, I don’t do things because I’m told, I don’t go to places I don’t want to be in. I think and think, of every possible thing to think of. 391 what ifs pop up in my head, 514 whys just floods my mind from nowhere. It feels unnatural somehow and it makes me wonder, what the hell is wrong with me. Why is she doing that, what is he hiding, why is she so quiet, what the hell is he thinking, why do people act this way, is she genuine, what if everything was wrong, whats wrong with society, is the world a bad place? I think too much around people, am I too self conscious? Am I looking too hard for a reason? Alone seems easier, more carefree, nothing to think about, just me.

My mind is too active and I can’t seem to calm it down. I hate it, I don’t want to think, it really makes me tired, but I can’t seem to help it. Its like daemons, background processes of my brain, running sub-consciously, always there, always alive. They never stop, never pause, always active. I really don’t know how to fix it. Is this what I am? I really hate it. Maybe thats why I love to be high, to tone my daemons down, to get out of my brain. Maybe thats why I wanna get drunk, but it kinda seems impossible. I feel like I’m going crazy, and its not that I care too much about things, but it just comes as a curious thought, to be in awe of the answers to the questions I make up, to know more and more. And then I wonder, is there anyone like me?

Intrigue

You intrigue me. So full of happiness, so carefree. Just like how I used to be.

Is there more to you?

Do you, understand me?

Impenetrable

I have no vulnerabilities. I will never crumble before the weight of anyone’s words. No, more like I’m too simple to hack into. I let everyone into my private maze, I show everyone what I am, because not a single soul can break my maze. It’s too simple to be broken. I’ll break yours first if you try to break mine. You can tell me I’m alone, you can tell me that I’m unwanted but nothing’s gonna happen. I don’t even give a shit, so why should you? It’s definitely sad, but I never hide, cos if it’s truth then I accept it. Hiding honestly only makes it worse, just like piles of loans stacking higher and higher with overpriced interests rates, stacking until the limit is breached and when it’s time to pay up, you lose everything.

Killing people from the inside is worse than dying, the exact words can cause all hopes, aspirations, dreams and most importantly, happiness to disappear, and almost impossible to salvage. It would be the last resort, to hack into someone’s heart and steal the life out of him/her. So cruel, so despicable, something I might never do in my life. Yes. “might”. I really believe in the good and honest side of people. I believe the world isn’t that bad of a place. After all, why worry about something I can’t even change? Just trust the world. For now.

Love

I am typically not a confused person, knowing what I want and what I’m feeling. But yet, this accursed topic, never fails to get the better of me.

Hard to admit, I am actually a lil bit complicated. I don’t know what’s right, to love or not to love. There’s so many things I can’t figure out, and honestly I hate being confused. All I really know is I just want to be happy, but both options don’t seem to lead the path to happiness.

Since that day, this topic was left to gather dust by my mind. Never once did I open its doors to explore again. And honestly I think it’s best to let it happen on its own, because forcing answers out isn’t working at all. I do wish for a partner, but at the same time I’m afraid. Afraid of scaring her away, afraid of being too real and honest, afraid of giving too much. I really wonder, if there’s actually anyone on this planet that’ll understand me inside out.

Worth

Sometimes I really wonder if it’s really worth it. I could actually be completing my work and playing my game and chilling on my bed, but I threw all that away for this, threw all that away to be welcomed by a shitload of stress. Being so passionate about it, this is my first time questioning its worth, questioning if it is actually something I want. Yet despite these little doubts here and there, I still sacrifice everything for it.

Come to think of it, it’s actually quite sad. In a few years time, all the shit I’ll be going through won’t really mean anything. It will be just like footprints on the beach, fading away with time. There wasn’t really anything that I could get out of it at the end, because in the end everything I have done is kind of meaningless to me. It’s pointless if I compare the efforts invested and the rewards gained. It’s pointless if no one knows and take it for granted. It’s pointless because people appreciate just for the sake of it and not genuinely, but yet its not their fault simply because they will never understand. Sometimes, I really wonder if I will fall, if one day I will finally reach my limits and collapse. Falling from such a great height, hmm that will definitely leave a mark I say.

Everything that I’ve done so far, everything that I am doing now, and everything that I will be doing, I really really wish at the end of it all, everything will be worth it.

Alone (pt ll)

After so much thought, so much confusion and so much opinions, I really think what my friend said about me was true: I’m better off alone. It really makes life happier, in a way. Nothing to care, nothing to fear, nothing to worry. Maybe it’s cos I enjoy my freedom, maybe it’s cos I don’t like confusion, or maybe cos it’s just me.

Yet, I do think about how I had you to listen to me, listen to me rant for the first time in centuries, cos I just couldn’t keep it in any longer. It did feel like 100 times better, having to share the load with another, to finally know that someone else understands me, to have someone comfort me like a little child that I couldn’t be in front of anyone else. Now there isn’t even a shadow I could turn to straight away, for the only shadow in sight is my very own.

“Its pointless to get you to understand, it’s time to play pretence”

I tried to talk to you, tried to make you understand me better, tried to give you a chance that might improve our situation, but you just broke it. You threw everything that was mine away, my personality, my belongings, my freedom. You never bothered to understand me, with your stupid goddamn stubborn mindset.

I never thought it will come down to this, of me wearing a mask, reading of a script, putting on a show. But I finally clicked, you clicked me, you made me realize it was pointless of me to be real, in front of you. Ironically, I always said “never become someone you’re not”, but I guess I’m left with only one option, to let myself be free again. It’s funny how I’m gonna go out real and come back fake, how I’m gonna do it without forgetting myself, cause the only fear I have, is losing my ownself.

Alone

Have you ever felt that suddenly, you are just all alone in this world? Sometimes I do, I question if there were actually people out there who truly cared, truly real, truly loved. Looking at society now, I despise all the Hollywood actor wannabes, those who put on a mask and tell lies to one another. It comes to the point where I wished I could read other people’s thoughts because as of now, nobody except the person himself/herself knows if he/she is being real or not. It irritates me, because I can only sit there and watch them behave like someone they’re not.

I wonder if I will ever find someone to trust and confide all my thoughts to, someone whose real to me and trusts me with all their heart as I would, someone to share hugs of warmth and love. Because I’m alone…. and my heart’s turning colder and colder by the days.