Thoughts

If one day I decide to push everyone including God away and try to kill myself, will anyone stop me? I wonder and wonder

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How negativity destroys

If I myself don’t know if I will be going to heaven or hell, it’s better to give hell a chance before trying out heaven. 

If I don’t know how this will turn out, I should deal with all the other possibilities first before having faith in this particular one. 

If logically I don’t know the future, whether this girl is right for me, I should try all other girls first.

Can you push me down this building? – “I don’t understand and I can’t change your mind but if it’s what you want me to do then” /pushes

Let’s not have faith in anything at all because we never know what is going to happen, for what we think might always not be right.

Creation

An impossible question resides at the back of my head whenever I think about God or worship Him, and that is “Why exactly did He choose to create us?”

This question is easily classified as an impossible question, for no one will ever find out why, at least whilst they haven’t reunited with God after death. Yet it makes me ever so curious as to God’s original purposes for the creation of humans in the image of Him. If Adam and Eve hadn’t sinned in that garden, where would I be standing now?

Thinking of such useless scenarios is a part of how my mind wanders. Sometimes it can be frustrating because a part of me always forces me back to reality, where all things practical and logical makes sense. Yet I can’t help but wonder if I would still feel empty even if the sins of Adam and Eve didn’t happen. Would I be contented with being alive, worshiping God Himself?

Part of this thought definitely seems to stem from doubt in God, and maybe if sin was completely absent, I wouldn’t be having thoughts about such a question. Maybe, humans, even I, would just have complete faith in God and happiness would be boundless. I do pray God forgives me for having such thoughts, and if there was a way to build faith in me without knowing those answers, then please, in your most Holy name, spiritually enlighten me, for I confess that I cannot do this alone.

Balance or Conflict

I want to show you I care for you so deeply even to the point where even when I’m hurt and gather negative emotions/thoughts, I still think about you and how things might have made you feel. Yet sometimes you get so distant from me, as if my presence isn’t welcomed anymore, and I think to myself: maybe you need some space to yourself, in which if you let me know directly, I would be willing to give. At the very same time, I know how heart breaking and uneasy it feels to deal with everything alone, especially when it involves two people, dealing it together is always better than resolving your own heart by yourself – people always have to let everything inside, out eventually.

You are always the type to overthink things by yourself, not telling me anything for fear that it might hurt me. But it doesn’t, for I’m always worried for you, and I’m always constantly thinking what is going on in your mind even if you don’t wish to tell me.

~Do I care or do I give space

 

I want to you to be able to see me as someone completely dependable on, someone you can be fully mentally naked with and rely on regardless of whenever, be it when you feel like you’re all alone crawling in the darkness, be it when your entire world turns upside down any nothing seem to go right, I want to be there for you. Yet sometimes even when I’m here for you, it doesn’t seem to be helping you at all. As much as I am determined to stretch out my hand, maybe the hand isn’t appealing enough for you to reach it and grab hold of it.

Sometimes, I unknowingly hurt you even when that’s the least I’d ever wanted for you to feel. Which is why I question if being here is good for you, and if you don’t keep assuring me, you might one day just push me away and I might gladly allow you to do it, for maybe, that’s truly what you desire.

I could never compare myself to God, for I’m not perfect in any single way. His love will never be comparable to my love for you, but I still want to hold on to this imperfect love I have for you, and keep you close, protecting you whenever I can, offering help in whichever way you need it, as long as I can give. In the end I can only pray that I will be good for you.

~Am I supposed to be here for you or not

This kind of pain

This kind of pain isn’t the one felt physically like when you’re pinched. This kind of pain, is the one that makes your chest feel all twisted up inside when there’s nothing physically harming you. This kind of pain, is the one that involves this heart-wrenching, soul-gnawing feeling buried deep inside. This kind of pain, is the one that makes you burn in agony, and it drives you crazy because the more you focus on this pain, the worse it gets.

Hurting someone on the inside can change the person himself/herself. The hurt drives the person to say hurtful things to another, with the intention of driving his/her own self deeper into the hurt, but yet not aware of the way it hurts the other person. It’s really complicated and crazy because the one in pain always without fail, concentrate solely on the pain he/she is feeling. And be it real or fake, every thought conjured and every emotion that arises, stems deeply from the hurt. This kind of pain, only wants to hurt your own selves more and more and more.

Most of the time, this hurt is amplified by the negative thoughts that passes through ones mind, and it carries on in a loop until tiredness sets in and hurt transforms into emptiness. Emptiness becomes the feeling of being emotionless, thoughts that come usually say that “it doesn’t matter” or “whatever”. All the care that was once given just disappears like thin air.

I would like to think hurt wasn’t something meant to be created, and I believe it was created through the sins of humans, and the loss of our own expectations and pride. I just hope anyone who sees this and is currently having really deep seated pain buried like a searing thorn pierced into the heart, that they will be strong and abolish this pain they feel so they may be reborned with lessons learnt from their pains instead of allowing this pain to take over themselves. I’ll be praying for you.

Inner stabbings

Like a knife jabbing a fresh pile of meat, the mind stabs itself. It stabs itself again, this time harder, and again and again, harder until there’s not an ounce of strength left in the mind to think.

Mistakes are like torture, it makes you drown in feelings of unworthiness and self pity, swirling you around with thoughts of what you could have done instead, thoughts of how better you could have done. The most difficult part is that you’ll never really drown in them, for they are all in your head, playing with everything you feel and think.

It might seem easy to move on and improve, but the thought of past mistakes lingers on the fresh wound you committed. It rakes up everything you’ve ever done wrong and amplifies it, ignoring everything else. Yet this cannot be told to anyone, for the fears of people feeling pressured to comfort you, people thinking it’s just another fool drowning himself in self pity, “oh you just need to snap out of it”.

/smiles. Guilt is guilt. It’s doesn’t seem right to have expectations after committing a crime, for you are judged for making a mistake and there’s always consequences. Don’t expect pity nor help, only expect for you to fix your own self.

Yet it’s funny again because if they saw this, people just feel obliged to worry and care, and be “morally right” even against the convicted. Showing pity towards the convicted, sounds like the guilty should feel good about it, but no. They don’t get it, the pity needs salvation, or at least I want to be punished for it, or maybe that’s just how I’ve learned to learn things from young through the hard painful way.

Maybe, I just rather outer stabbings than inner stabbings.

Please don’t feel the need to worry.