The word ‘friends’ is a funny thing. A simple word that holds different meanings to different people. I could say I don’t have much friends, but another person who looks at my life will say I have.
To me, friends is a word that mean lots to me, and usually a lot more than it means to other people. I’ve always felt closer to my friends than family, and I guess that’s cause I don’t consider myself to have a family. My family is there, unlike a few people, but heck, I rather not have a family than have this family. Sure, you might say my life would be even tougher than now, or I’d have less financial privileges. But I’m not dumb, money can’t buy back the emotional trauma they’ve instilled in me. I dread going home because my family is there, and I dread going out with my family, but I’m forced to because “it’s normal”. Yea, so normal.
One of my closest friends told me my dad was a toxic person, controlling me, and I was at risk being with him. Yet, the norms of the world, to be taught to be filial and all that, how could one not feel wrong opposing those norms. If my situation was serious, why was it that only me and not my sisters were affected? Well, I don’t really care anymore, and I hope if this is how they love, then they should just stop caring about me for my own good.
My few friends are the closest people I have in my entire life, and I always hold them closely. I know it pains me that they will embark on their own journey soon, and we might become so distant like how it is after every chapter in life. I know sometimes the small talks and little arguments become tiring, but I trust them to be there for me as I would be here for them. Sometimes I get hurt because it feels like I’m not as important to them, and I take a breather, to stem away from all these mixed feelings when we interact. I know I get judged, but I’m too tired to care, so I’d just hope they don’t go away.
For those who think they don’t have any friends, or feel so, I guess you could say I kinda understand. For me it comes from being alone, for having no one who understands me the way I understand them. And in that way sometimes I feel all alone, but I’ve grown used to it.