Friends

The word ‘friends’ is a funny thing. A simple word that holds different meanings to different people. I could say I don’t have much friends, but another person who looks at my life will say I have.

To me, friends is a word that mean lots to me, and usually a lot more than it means to other people. I’ve always felt closer to my friends than family, and I guess that’s cause I don’t consider myself to have a family. My family is there, unlike a few people, but heck, I rather not have a family than have this family. Sure, you might say my life would be even tougher than now, or I’d have less financial privileges. But I’m not dumb, money can’t buy back the emotional trauma they’ve instilled in me. I dread going home because my family is there, and I dread going out with my family, but I’m forced to because “it’s normal”. Yea, so normal.

One of my closest friends told me my dad was a toxic person, controlling me, and I was at risk being with him. Yet, the norms of the world, to be taught to be filial and all that, how could one not feel wrong opposing those norms. If my situation was serious, why was it that only me and not my sisters were affected? Well, I don’t really care anymore, and I hope if this is how they love, then they should just stop caring about me for my own good.

My few friends are the closest people I have in my entire life, and I always hold them closely. I know it pains me that they will embark on their own journey soon, and we might become so distant like how it is after every chapter in life. I know sometimes the small talks and little arguments become tiring, but I trust them to be there for me as I would be here for them. Sometimes I get hurt because it feels like I’m not as important to them, and I take a breather, to stem away from all these mixed feelings when we interact. I know I get judged, but I’m too tired to care, so I’d just hope they don’t go away.

For those who think they don’t have any friends, or feel so, I guess you could say I kinda understand. For me it comes from being alone, for having no one who understands me the way I understand them. And in that way sometimes I feel all alone, but I’ve grown used to it.

I finally understand

I unraveled…. Or rather, part of me finally unraveled. All this time drowning in my own head, all this while spending time by myself and wanting to be alone even from my family, part of me clicked. I finally understand, this is how I love. It has always been part of me, I was just […]

Another reality

Sometimes I wonder, what if we had stayed like that, just holding on to each other. If I didn’t leave, would you have left? Or would we just continue whatever this is until who knows when. I probably shouldn’t be thinking about this, but then again I’ve been thinking of a lot more self-taboo stuff anyways. My heart feels stone cold, yet fiery warm. It’s really a world turned upside-down in there. Well, I guess that’s what happens when all hope was lost?

Nevermind, I probably already killed myself in another reality. Whatever fate has in store for me, please go easy on me, and go easy on the ones I love and loved.

Awareness

When you think you are right, you might not be. When you think you are wrong, it may not be the case. What’s right and what’s wrong, are things we perceive to be in our very own eyes. If one believes that abortion is wrong, another may beg to differ. Everyone has their own set of right and wrongs, thus leading to conflicts and unfounded peace. This is true even in science. We believe what we are taught, because we know the world accepts it, without us having to find out the truth for ourselves. Thinking that a piece of metal can turn magnetic and harness a force greater than gravity is due to electrons spinning parallel to each other is a perception of a great scientist, and the rest have chosen to believe it without a single question.

This is why, no one is perfect, and we should stop trying to idealize every scenario to be perfect. In this dark generation, where we have become so privileged, we start to want more and more, thinking nothing is impossible. Yet we fail to realise that each of our own definition of perfection is different in one way or another. What’s perfect to you will not be perfect to another. We need to learn to embrace our own imperfections, because they are the ones who make us who we are, they are the ones who differentiate ourselves from each other. The only perfection we can agree on is one another’s imperfections.

Most of the time, we think our flaws make us weak, and we so dearly wish to change that part of ourselves. As much as I do believe in self-improvement, I also believe that there are certain flaws that will never change, because they make up part of who you truly are. Trying to change your heart is like trying to turn an orange red, and most of the time, people don’t realise that they are changing for the society, and not for their own selves.

“The grass is always greener on the other side”. As cliché as it sounds, it is the truth. What we think we want, isn’t always we need. When we want to change our flaws, we fail to realise that it also takes away part of ourselves. For example, being dead honest, aggressive and innocently optimistic – changing it will mean losing trust in others, being less passionate and over-worrying. Likewise, being overly insecure, thinking too much and obsessive behaviors – changing it will mean losing the awareness you have accumulated, and losing the intensity you have in your feelings towards others. Sometimes, there are things we need to accept in ourselves be it being emotionally weak, thinking in a different way, overly dramatic, or just being needy. Maybe when one has come to realise that we ourselves are the ones who choose what to make out of our own lives, not anyone else, and especially not this society in the dark age.

I am tired

I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay, when I’m feeling so down and crazy inside. I’m tired of not telling anyone because they will pity me and feel bad for being unable to help me. I’m tired of pretending that being at home makes me feel protected and peaceful when it is the complete opposite. […]

A mix or a conflict

Therein me lies a child. Like all children, he holds on to curiousity as if it’s his master. He loves being fascinated by the wonders of the world, from the glorious beauty of the moon, to the twinkles of the stars above. Passion, would be a word that fits his entity, for his love to discover, his desires and dreams, fueled part of his happiness. One of the things he always tells himself is, “what is the worst that could happen”, and the courage it brings have led him experience things he would never ever regret, be it good or bad. He liked showing people how simple things actually were. “Living in the moment”, yes that was what he called it. You’ll probably be so intrigued by his innocent optimism, that you forget your own worries, because the things he says and does, they are all coming straight out from his heart. 

Therein me resides an old soul. This soul has lived a life of centuries, seeing the world from up above since the early milleniums. He bears the weight of the world, always constantly looking towards the evolution of humans, and the future that lies ahead. He is wise, very much indeed. He knows life, he knows death, and he has come to understand how the world works. Yet, he isn’t a doer. No, he is much more of a thinker. Being so wise, he understands what he can control and what he can’t, thus he does not go trying to lead an evolution. He is just like an old man wandering the streets, waiting for the dreaded end. 

Therein me lies everyone and also nothing.

The heart scares easily

Rancho: That day I understood that this heart scares easily. You have to trick it, however big the problem is. Tell your heart, ‘Pal, all is well. All is well.’ Raju: Does that solve the problem? Rancho: No it doesn’t solve the problem, but you gain courage to face it. I can’t say it, because […]